Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.