@TheWadest: Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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@lazerdoov: My girlfriend told me she's "spotting" and I'm like yeah right for who? You can't even bench 50 Lbs lol
@JohnLyonTweets: Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: So how do you like the flying? PENGUIN: Meh it's no big deal GOD: Oh is that right