Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
then why did i get this email
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
i choose….tongue
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers