Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?