“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.