“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
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“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
May have had one breakfast too many
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you