@LizHackett: Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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@TheDairylandDon: I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
@NoticablyBacon: Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
@staceaustin: Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we're having communion for dinner.
@Parkerlawyer: An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix. You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.