Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.