@LizHackett: Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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@JoParkerBear: Donald Trump is probably the closest we'll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
@imogenjayy: Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren't even in.
@shariv67: I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.
@Gooooats: Me on the Phone: I'm going to "work" from home today. My Boss: I heard those air quotes.