Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Finally!
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.