Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Hmm, not sure about this change
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science