Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
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TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.