@ticknada: Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk

@SadieSkyNinja: [if my cat tweeted] When "over 38" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

@sarcasticmommy4: Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds. HIM: That would be good. ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD? HIM: .... ME: *rage opens Oreos*

@tarashoe: STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book] STRANGER: a stunning genius

@El_nacho_Nigre: My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.