My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax