My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.