None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome