None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
me irl
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I get distracted pretty eas
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
You deplete me
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
This is true.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS