None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
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I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.