None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Damn what did I do next
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
spot the difference
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.