@nettie0918: None of my boyfriends even know they're dating me.
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@MyPornKhan: When folks unfollow me shortly after they've followed me I just figure they sobered up.
@caithuls: [trying to get out of date] ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911 HIM: That's not how- ME: *mouthing* IT'S AN EMERGENCY
@TheCiscoKidder: My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don't. I googled it, it's called cuddling.
@usermcuserface: My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.