None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”