none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
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Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.