None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Lucky old June.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!