“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
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Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Huge, if true.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”