This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.