NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
You Might Also Like
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Webb. James Webb.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top