NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.