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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular