“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.