Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
The Book. The Movie.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.