normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Love this guy
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Good morning y’all ☀️
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.