[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.