Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”