Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Growing out my freckles.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.