Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
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I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me in tagged photos
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO