[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
my sentiments exactly