North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
j o i m p
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit