North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
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During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
that lip filler tho
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.