NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
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Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Seems kinda suspicious
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”