North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
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“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
For the ones in the back.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.