@ryaninco: North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.
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@DirtMcTurd: [friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!
@sammyrhodes: "If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don't get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you."
@Sickayduh: "We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you're gonna be the one to do it" "I...uhhh... Wha?" "Nailed it. Next state."
@AndyRichter: My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place