friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
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What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
seems fine
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.