My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
That’s a good costume, I hope.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no