North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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<- sleeps well with others
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
when dads have a rap battle
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.