North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Looking at you, Jesus.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]