North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.