Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Krampus.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD