not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Check out the legs on this baby