@SunshineJarboly: not a day goes by that i don't think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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@Xoolun: Went to the gym and asked the trainer. Could you help me do splits? Trainer: Sure How flexible are you? Me: I can only do Thursday.
@Twtercide: I will not think of sex at church I will not think of sex at church I will not. Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming Me: Goddammit!
@iAmJuddy: Wifey: We should get a chest freezer. Me: We don't need a freezer that big. Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies? Me: I love you.