@SadieSmithRoks: Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.
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@Prince_Smarming: Imagine my surprise when I found out "restraining order" did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
@Jeff_Ross_MD: BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.
@sixfootcandy: Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?
@Velocycrator: Whenever I'm alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I'm a carrot.