My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
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Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
where the womens at?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first