Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
You Might Also Like
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Would you wear it?
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*