“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
@ candidates for local office
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not