It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.