Not all heroes wear capes…
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.