@claire_mudie: NOT all policemen are strippers.
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@UnFitz: Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.
@TribalSpaceCat: Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
@ShawnIzadi: Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn't have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
@Mr_Kapowski: *aliens land on Thanksgiving* *me showing them around* "We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish" Aliens: Savages