Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know