Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
You Might Also Like
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I feel attacked.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂